[Crickets Chirping]
Oh...
[Frank] No, no, operator. Listen to me closely, please.
Well, I told you three times. Will you get it straight?
Not the Hairywood Hotel. The Hollywood Hotel in Tokyo.
On Showadori Street. Showa...
- Well, however you say it. - [Radar] Oh!
Moron. Major Margaret Houlihan. I'll wait.
Margaret, it's me, Frank.
Well, I can't talk louder. I'm in Radar's office...
and he's sleeping just a few feet from me.
God knows what filth he's dreaming.
Margaret, puss, I've been trying to get you for five hours.
- Are you all right? Where have you been? - Oh, well...
the nurses' seminar lasted forever.
Captain Parish gave a talk on earwax problems in the artillery.
Dr. Nyler gave a talk on peristaltic rhythm.
Last year he nearly won the Nobel Prize for dysentery.
And then he also gave a talk on suppositories..."The Bullet of Health."
- It's three in the morning. I was getting worried. - Were you, Frank?
Oh, I called and called. I thought maybe you'd been in a rickshaw wreck.
You know, those drivers get running in the rain and their glasses steam up.
The glass. Wash the glass.
Well, after the seminar, some of the girls, the nurses, and Fred...
- Fred? - Went out for a bite on the Ginza.
Margaret, who's Fred? I thought it was a nurses' seminar.
He's a physical therapist. Nice, but dumb.
He hasn't got a brain in his whole "bod-y."
Margaret, why do you say "bod-y" like that? What do you know about his "bod-y"?
- "Bod-y." - He's just a big, strong kid.
He crushed a beer can with two fingers.
Show-off! Once I killed a gopher with a stick.
What'd you do? Where'd you go?
- We all went to a bathhouse. - And where was Fred?
Well, we didn't see much of him. He likes to stay underwater. [Laughs]
Margaret, l... What?
All right, operator. Right away.
They're going to cut us off, punkin. Our time's up.
Oh, I miss you so much. Hurry back.
I got a new Andre Kostelanetz record. It's called Two Alone.
We'll put it on in your tent and I'll crush a beer can with my knees.
Margaret, l... Margaret?
Margaret. Oh, Margaret.
Oh, shut up.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel.
Ralph Kiner has just hit his 47th home run of the season.
And Corporal Murphy has just struck out in the laundry room.
- Gimme a lap sponge here. Colonel Potter? - [Potter] Captain Pierce.
I think it's only fair to tell you that this is my last patient.
- For today? - For forever.
- So, you're leaving. - All I need is a doggy bag...
filled with our cook's famous unborn hash...
and a jeep with a full tank.
I'll drive north up through Mongolia, take a right at Siberia.
I may have a little trouble crossing the Bering Strait. But after that...
- it's downhill all the way. - Especially if you have the lights.
- Right. - We'll set it up after lunch.
- Can we have some quiet in here? - Don't bleed so loud.
It's like operating with a broken record going around and around.
And "around and around."
- Colonel! - Major...
I do wish you'd exercise your command.
I only exercise it once a month. I don't want to get muscle-bound.
- Thanks a heap! - [Metal Object Drops]
- Oh, terrific, Kelly. - Sorry, Doctor.
- You think I dropped it, don't you? - I didn't say that, sir.
It's obvious you thought so the moment I dropped it!
[Laughs]
Come on in here. We can talk better.
- Radar, no calls. - [Radar] Yes, sir.
- Me too. - Gentlemen, I need your help.
- Command me, sire. - If it's shorts you want, you can have my other pair.
- They need a little work. - No horsin' around now. I'm serious.
So am I. Take my shorts and let the chips fall where they may.
Frank Burns is driving everybody nuts.
Ever since Major Houlihan went to Tokyo. He even made Klinger cry.
- The cad. - Told him his platform shoes made him look like a tramp.
You've seen him in O.R. All thumbs.
- And two of'em up his nose. - Colonel, you've only been around him for a few months.
- He's been a boil on my butt for a hundred years. - Then let's lance that boil.
- The man feels totally friendless. - He is.
As a favor to me and for the good of the unit, be nice to him.
Buddy up to him. Treat him like a pal. You must have something in common.
- True. We hate each other. - Hawkeye, B. J...
I'm begging ya.
Who could resist those big Colonel eyes?
- Your bet, Father. - [Yawns]
No help from the pit boss in the sky.
- I call your two and raise five dollars. - Hmm. Bye-bye.
- Five bucks? - Too rich for my blood.
Ah, come to Papa.
- Where'd you learn to play poker, Father? - Eddie Bertolucci.
Knew him well. First man to ride a caraway seed down the alimentary canal.
Actually, he was a mailman.
When he passed the civil service, I blessed his feet.
- Half-a-buck ante. Straight draw. - There's mine.
- Who said you could play poker in here? - I did, Burns.
- Enjoy your game, sir. - [Laughs]
- Keep your enlisted giggles to yourself. - Yes, sir.
- Pot's light. - I'm in. - I'm in.
- [Potter Whistles] - Oh. Oh, yeah, it's me.
I was watching Major Burns untie his boots.
And he does it without a safety net.
Dizzy simp.
- Oh, come on... - Go on.
- Frank? - I don't have to take that!
Why don't you get in the game with us?
Oh, thanks a lot. I know when I'm not wanted.
- No, come on. We really want you. - Me?
- Yeah, come on, Frank. - We don't mind.
- Get Frank a drink, B. J. - Yes, sir.
Park it right here.
I don't know much about poker. Louise and I mostly played whist at the Moose Hall.
I read that in Cholly Knickerbocker.
Go easy on that rotgut. It'll pickle your giblets.
Uh-huh.
- Half-a-buck ante, Frank. - Mm.
- [B.J.] A snapper purse? - Oh, it says "no" to pickpockets with a capital "N."
Get Mr. Ravenal a refill.
Anybody else for pickled giblets?
Oh, no, thank you. That's all right.
- Straight draw, Frank. - Well, I don't know much about the game.
You get five cards. Keep your best.
You know, pair, three of a kind, et cetera.
Then you draw, discard your garbage and keep your best five.
Any dumb Dora knows that.
It's nice and lemony.
- You had lemons in there? - We threw in a couple of cough drops.
- Is this jacks or better? - Si, senor.
- I can't open. - Nope.
- [Hawkeye] Father? - I open for a dollar.
- Bye-bye. - I'm in.
- Frank? - Well, what do I say if I want to say I think I can win?
- How about "So long"? - Just say call.
- Then I say call. - Me too.
How many cards you want, Radar?
Two. Three. Uh, four.
Brilliant devil. He's obviously got one of a kind.
- [Hawkeye] Klinger? - Two beauties, please.
Can I have another lemon squash?
- Comin' up, Tex. - Best keep your wits about you, Major.
Oh, don't worry about me, sir. I got a hollow head.
- Father? - I'll take two, please.
One off the top, if you don't mind.
- Frank? - Don't bother me now. I'm busy.
- How many cards do you want? - These will suit me just fine.
- Watch him. - Uh-oh.
- He's bluffing. - Dealer takes three.
Father, you opened.
I'll bet a dollar.
And up a half.
- Frank? - Fifty dollars!
- Fifty dollars? - Five-dollar limit, poker face.
- Well, five dollars then. - Okay, I'm in.
Gee, I was gonna buy a war bond.
What's more important? The card game or the war?
- [B.J.] You can play war anytime. - Okay, I'll stay.
- I'll stay. - Oh, dear.
That's 5.50 to me.
I'll call, and may the Lord have mercy on my cards.
Same deal for me, Lord.
[Mouths Words]
What do I do now? Can I bet again?
- [All] No! - No, you can't. Always wants to bet.
No, we called your hand, Frank. Let's see your cards.
Ah.
- Ay. - A heart flush.
- Do I win? - It's all yours, Frank.
[Laughs]
- You sure you've never been on this boat before? - [Laughs]
- Ten high straight, Frank. - [Groaning]
- [Mulcahy] Jacks full of deuces. - [Radar] Holy!
Me again? [Cackling]
Father, would you pull your collar over your ears?
I have a few filthy words to say.
- I'm broke. - There goes the zircon for my belly button.
- Peg will kill me. - Gee, I must've won about two hundred dollars.
I'd like to join in more fun things with you guys.
Okay. You're invited to our sack race in the minefield.
[Giggling]
## [Rag]
- You're dancing better. - I'm learning by mail.
- You wanna dip? - You might hurt yourself.
I can jump out of the way.
So this is customary, huh?
Oh, yeah. The winner always buys the booze.
[Giggles]
- Can I make a personal remark? - Is it about your breath?
Up till tonight, I always thought you were low, filthy scum.
And we always thought you were a rotten fink, until tonight.
- And perhaps tomorrow. Maybe forever. - [Giggles]
What a nice thought.
Oh, doughboys one and all. Buddies at the front.
##
I had my eye on that for a long time.
- Radar? - Nurse Kelly.
- Nurse Kelly? - Yeah!
The curve of her gluteus maximus. The red fullness of her lips.
You're drooling, Frank. Would you like a lobster bib?
Well, here goes nothin'. [Chuckles]
[Imitating Frank, Chuckling]
[Giggles]
Can a fella cut in?
- Who? - Me.
Oh, uh, yes, sir.
Nurse Kelly! [Chuckles]
I think it's fair to tell you that I've admired you for some time now...
and in more than a professional manner.
- Oh, thank you, sir. - [Chuckles]
You're really a hotsie-totsie.
##
Come on. Pep it up, Father. Let's liven up the party, huh?
[Playing Louder, Faster]
##
##[Stops]
- [Bell Ringing] - [Coins Pouring]
He's okay. He's just rusty at having fun.
[B. J.] Careful.
Yeah. I'd never forgive myself if I dropped him.
- What's goin' on? - Helping an old lady across the street.
- He O.D.'d on bourbon and Kelly. - I appreciate what you boys are doing.
- Things are going to be much better around here. - Only if we bury him.
I'd buy that.
[Frank] Here we go.
- Wait. Wait. Not on me! Not on me! - [B.J.] Gangway!
- [Stirring] - Easy!
Now, don't wake him up. Don't wake him up.
- Don't you feel like a hypocrite? - Like kissing Hitler on the mouth.
I'm tired of being nice to this khaki specimen.
[Giggling]
[Laughs]
- Let's close the case. [Laughing] - [Laughing]
You got a toe tag?
[Laughing Fades]
[Both Giggling]
Wha... What are you writing?
- "Emotionally exhausted." - "And morally bankrupt."
[Laughing]
[Laughs]
Not too tight. We don't want to cut off his ice water.
[Frank Laughs]
[Sighs]
I don't know whether to sleep in my filthy clothes...
or put on my filthy jammies.
I don't know whether I don't care or I don't care.
[Laughs]
Heart flush.
Doesn't know which end is up and he gets a heart flush.
- I'd like to give his heart a flush. - [Door Slams]
- Halt! Who goes there? - [Slurred] I gotta go to the john!
You gotta give me the password, heart flush.
Bursting bladder!
Close enough for jazz.
- Be nice to the rats. It's their mating season. - [Door Closes]
# Swanee, how I love ya how I love ya #
- # My dear ol'... # - [Horn Blaring]
[Klinger] What have we got? Wounded? Come on. Let's get 'em in.
Okay. You got it.
In here.
- What's your hurry? - We gotta get back to the front.
Major?
Holy moley!
Out, Radar, or I'll turn you into a lamp base.
Major Burns has got the duty and I can't find him anywhere.
- Try the latrine. - I did.
He hasn't even taken the wrapper off his new National Geographic.
He's not in camp. Gee, maybe he's been captured.
Let's find that enemy soldier and give him a nice tip.
What's ten percent of Frank Burns?
- You try Major Houlihan's tent? - Yeah, it's got a big padlock on the door.
Well, does it look like it's been cried on?
I remember you guys carried him back in here.
- We dumped him on his bed. - He was sound asleep.
Oh, I better report to Colonel Potter.
Or you could report to Colonel Potter.
How do you figure?
We carried him in here, laid him out.
Didn't we take his boots off?
We must've. My eyes are still burning.
Oh, come on, guys. No horsin' around now. What've you done with Burns?
- We did what you said. - We showed him a good time, right?
- Right. - He's disappeared!
It's his way of saying "thank you."
- Radar, you say Klinger saw him go to the latrine? - Yes, sir.
Did he hear a splash or anything?
[Ringing]
4077 MASH.
Uh, sir, it's Captain Saunders, Battalion Aid Station.
- Nick, how you doing? - Not bad, Colonel.
Listen, I think I have one of your officers up here.
He's out cold, but his dog tags read, uh, "Frank Burns."
- What? - Skinny guy...
uh, no chin, big pores?
- Is he wounded? - No wounds.
Uh, but his toe tag reads, uh, "Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt."
Whatever the hell that means.
"Emotionally exhausted"?
And morally bankrupt.
You guys pull a fast one, put a toe tag on Burns last night?
We addressed him, but we didn't mail him.
I'd appreciate it mightily, Nick, if you'd ship him back down here to us.
I'd like to help you, but we're short on wheels here.
We only have room for the wounded. If you want him, you're gonna have to get him.
Okay, Nick, I understand. So long.
- They do not deliver. - Can they hold him on layaway?
They've got their hands full. Somebody's got to go get him.
I need two volunteers...
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Why don't we go tell them?
Practical jokes.
I'm glad I'm not one.
Hey, come on!
Why do you always keep me waiting? You know I hate to be late.
- Sorry. - And that's what you're wearing? That looks terrible.
You wore that the last time we went to the front.
I thought we might need some Fig Newtons.
Oh, good idea. We can spit seeds at the enemy.
Let's move, Kato.
- [Potter] Ready? - Ready, sir.
To Lieutenant General Harrison Hardcastle...
Letterman General Hospital, San Francisco, California.
Dear General, I was not aware that your daughter, Amanda...
was selling subscriptions to McCall's Magazine.
Please put me down for two years.
Militarily yours, Colonel Sherman Potter, et cetera, et cetera.
This general helps his daughter sell magazines, sir?
It's the old army game. At Fort Leavenworth...
I had a four-year subscription to his wife's cupcakes.
- [Phone Rings] - I got it.
Colonel Potter here, MASH 4077.
Nick Saunders, Colonel. We've got a pretty big party up here.
- Lots of heavy stuff. - [Explosion]
[Coughs] Yeah, Colonel?
I wish you could help me too. No, listen, we might be overrun...
so you better keep your people away.
Right, Nick. Thanks. Good luck, guy.
They're under attack. Pierce and Hunnicutt are walking into a holocaust.
- Oh, golly. - You said it, brother.
This kid doesn't need a doctor. He needs a farmer.
- [Saunders] We'll have to clean him up. - [Hawkeye] I'll do it.
Nice location you got here, Captain Saunders.
- Hmm, you think so? - Any closer, you could be in a Chinese draft board.
- Am I gonna be all right, Doc? - Nobody gets out of paying his bill with me.
Better start getting some plasma right now. Medic!
- We're all out of strawberry. You'll have to take vanilla. - [Chuckles]
- Set that up right away. - Okay, Doc.
- What do ya got? - Took one in the stomach.
- Oh, boy. - Pressure bandage!
[Frank Sighs]
[Saunders] That guy can sleep through anything.
Yeah, he's embalmed in bourbon.
[Explosion]
- Cover the wounded! - Ah!
- Medic! Get me a suture setup! - No, no, no, Captain, this isn't a MASH.
- You get him stable if you can, then just put him on a chopper. - Right.
- Why don't we wake up Frank? He'd be some help. - Oh, leave him alone.
As a doctor, he's hitting his peak right now.
- Come on, Frank. - Up!
- [Straining] - Come on.
- Oh! Whoa. - [Strains]
- He's heavier. - It's all our money.
- We're always carrying this guy. - I've been carrying him for years.
- Lay him down gently. - Why?
It's a good thing you don't come C.O.D.
[Sighs]
[Exhales Deeply]
Well, now you've seen an aid station. What do you think?
Beats hell out of Bermuda off-season.
[Sighs] Say good night, Gracie.
Good night, Gracie.
Captain Hunnicutt, Colonel P... C...
- Oh, Major Burns, sir, you've got the duty. - Huh? Oh, right.
Well, another day, another dollar.
- Hawkeye? - Huh?
Uh, Colonel Potter wants to see you right away.
There's nothing like a 15-second nap.
- B. J., Colonel Potter. - Naturally.
Ah, come on, you sleepyheads! Up and at 'em.
- Oh, buzz off, Frank. - Get lost.
- I don't understand. You hate me again. - What's not to hate?
We were such pals last night.
- It was a dream, Frank. - All a dream.
No, it wasn't! I was popular and don't you deny it!
[Blowing Raspberry]
- [Frank] Major Houlihan! - Major Burns.
What a lovely surprise. Here, let me help you with your bag.
I could bite your clusters off.
How was your, uh, seminar in Tokyo?
- Worthwhile? - Very informative, yes.
You'd be amazed at the things they're doing with suppositories these days.
- Oh, how was the weather? - Lovely.
- Oh, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret! - Frank, Frank, Frank!
Oh, it's heaven to see you. Oh, you taste so good.
Well, I had a sardine sandwich on the plane.
Tell me everything. Tell me everything!
Everything? Oh, it's been "el boro."
I trimmed the hair in my ears one night.
That's the only time I stopped thinking about you.
And they showed that Sonja Henie hygiene film...
- Of Ice and Lice. - My poor baby.
The marines stole The Jolson Story and they won't give it back.
- Well, now that I'm here, we'll make our own fun. - [Chuckles]
Did you bring me a present, hmm?
You silly billy.
Close your eyes.
[Breathing Heavily]
Oh, Margaret! Glazed plums!
I saw them in a window. I said, "That's Frank."
You're mad.
- Margaret, I'm on fire. - What can I do to put you out?
I gotta go on hospital duty.
Oh, well, there's always later.
I hear the peace talks are going badly.
We can only hope.
And then we went to see a play at the Kabuki.
I can't pronounce it in Japanese, but it means...
"Geisha girl, the samurai have arrived to take you to the dance."
- We? You mean you and the girls? - And Fred. Fred.
- Fred Fred? - Fred, Frank.
Anyway, he understands Japanese...
and has the most beautiful samurai sword.
Samurai sword? Well, where'd you see it?
Does he wear it around or what?
He has a picture of it in his wallet.
- Trouble in paradise? - One can only hope.
- Suppose a rabbit died? - Looks to me like she's having lunch with him.